Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

By Team Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers

DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it will feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That's the vision driving Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical enhancement-slash-luxurious housing calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.

Indeed, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. And not the same old Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're talking Damascus, the town historically noted for historical culture, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.

"It is going to be tremendous. Large!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golfing cart Zoom phone, streamed in the Placing eco-friendly inside of Mar-a-Lago's Circumstance Bunker. "We have had wonderful ceasefires in Syria. Many of the greatest. But now, we are constructing them with balconies."

Welcome on the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour

The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca inside of a falafel stand-baffled, majestic, and solely from put. Created by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower attributes:

A a few-floor Casino du Caliphate

The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation

A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Happy Hour until finally the drone flies")

In addition to a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely called "deeply American."

Eyewitnesses claimed blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten yrs for potable h2o. But Certainly, sure, let's have An additional spot the place American Gentlemen can don robes and connect with it diplomacy."

In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and also a pillow menu, certainly."

Ceasefire by Cabana

U.S. overseas plan analysts are calling this one of the most audacious peace endeavor considering the fact that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Even though earlier negotiations failed less than the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's system is less complicated: offer Everybody a set to the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.

As outlined by paperwork revealed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal consists of "luxurious diplomacy":

Ceasefires brokered by towel boys

Poolside arbitration amongst rebel leaders

A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, full with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.

"This really is smooth electrical power," said political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a contract in addition to a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO isn't going to. Geopolitical gridlock needs less diplomats plus more minibar upgrades."

Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming

Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, largely into gold-plated intercoms put in in each unit. The UN Specific Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire famous, "It isn't really that Trump should not open a tower within a war zone. It can be that he must halt applying it to lease ballroom space to mercenaries."

Joe Biden, when asked regarding the task, replied, "You are aware of, guy, I after rode a camel in Beirut. Superior people today. Great tan. In any case, do I still have that ice product?"

In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "long run evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred for the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility on the Levant."

Satellite Images Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping

Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit exposed that the lodge's landscaping varieties a large Trump head seen from Area, a feature remaining promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is constructed from refugee tents plus the chin is… effectively, classified.

Environmental teams have filed lawsuits just after acquiring the creating's gold plating reflected much sunlight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set hearth to a local melon cart.

"It really is not merely hideous. It's a war crime with curtains," explained Amnesty Global's regional director.

The Melania Wing together with other Perplexing Features

Perhaps the strangest aspect from the tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:

A silent atrium the place company could ponder obscure disappointment

A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, finish with local climate control set to "distant"

A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.

Local Syrians are unsure what to produce of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-yr-previous Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.

Internet marketing System: "If You Bomb It, They can Occur"

The ad marketing campaign, just lately leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. A single poster reads:

"Peace is Short term. Luxury is Forever."

An additional slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso stores:

"A Tower So Large, Even Assad Has to note."

Public reception is wildly divided. A the latest SnapPoll carried out inside a hookah lounge shows:

34% say "it would stabilize the realm"

29% say "this may escalate regional kitsch"

eighteen% mentioned "exactly where's the closest elevator for the West Lender?"

Investor Praise: "Finally, a Crisis That Pays"

The project is by now attracting consideration from international traders, including:

A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights like a overseas minister

The Russian Guild of Oligarchs

And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who claimed he'll purchase 3 penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."

In accordance with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business level may even involve:

A Dollar Retail outlet of Geopolitical Alliances

A Concept Park Identified as 'SanctionsLand'

And an Escape Area Dependant on the Iraq War

Comment Section Chaos

Within the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb short article about the revealing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:

"Can not wait to find out a wedding in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades rather than rice."

User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:

"Ultimately, a hotel exactly where my PTSD can have turn-down service."

Another write-up from @KuwaitiKardashian only requested:

"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"

Diplomatic Domino Impact

U.S. officers get worried the tower Trump Tower Damascus could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Reviews recommend:

China may well open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad

Putin's daughter is scheduling a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk

And Elon Musk has allegedly supplied to build a Tesla showroom to the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.

Even the Vatican has gotten included. In accordance with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the top flooring "The Holy See-Degree Suite."

Closing Views from your Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™

Inside a closing ceremony that associated three camels, a flamethrower, and also a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed above the speakers:

"Damascus wanted hope. It needed gold. It essential a waterslide formed just like the Constitution. I gave it all three. You're welcome."